(no subject)

[ alisaie cannot recall when last she slept.

how could she? how can she rest, now, when everything, everything is on the line? when her own mistakes and stumbles and shortcomings have helped to lead to this culmination, when she feels as an ant scurrying beneath a great boot that is bearing down upon her? no matter how exhausted she might feel, no matter how weary her bones or heavy her head, alisaie could not sleep even if she wanted to; were she to lie down she would do little more than stare at the ceiling above her, and honestly, she is afraid of what she will do if her mind is quiet and her space is free.

she cannot allow herself to break. she cannot allow herself to weep. not now. the very world is at stake, not only this one, but her home, as well - if they do not sort this out, and quickly, everything she has spent this year fighting tirelessly for will be for naught, and that is a thought that alisaie cannot bear. already she feels useless, never good enough, never smart enough, never strong enough, and even now she is desperate to prove not only to others but to herself that she has worth. that she can make some small difference, even in the shadow of greater, stronger heroes. she cannot let down the first, she cannot let down tesleen, she cannot fail vaeri. her most of all.

but has she not failed her already? tirelessly they have searched for an answer, for a way to cure what ails her, to be rid of the godsawful light that has scoured this star and the people on it. sleeplessly they search, but every one of them has come up empty handed. how can alisaie face her, when she wakes up? how can she look into vaeri's eyes and tell her that she has failed her? that she is as useless as she has ever been? that when she is needed most she can do.. nothing?

gods, why is it always the way? why can she never help those who need her? is she even needed at all?

the days pass in a painful blur, until the moment comes at last when she finds vaeri's bed empty.

it is not so difficult to track her down. her face is well known by now, and alisaie follows her trail, one step behind, and it is easy to come to the ineffable conclusion - she plans to leave. like the damned fool exarch before her she plans to strike out alone, to take whatever measures she must, and for the briefest, most terrible moments, alisaie nearly thinks to allow it. why should vaeri wait for them? for her? what could alisaie have to offer, now that she's proven she has nothing to give? what right does she have to stand by her?

but no. she has watched her brother suffer. she has watched urianger, and thancred, ryne and y'shtola - all of them are breaking their backs to find a cure, for years they have been breaking their backs to forestall the calamity, to save her life - they have worked so hard, suffered so much. and so her despair, as it so often does, turns to a quiet, burning fury.

alisaie returns to the pendants, and she does not offer the courtesy of a knock - the door creaks open and, to no surprise at all, vaeri is here in her quarters, preparing to leave without having contacted a single one of them. tense, her throat tight, alisaie flicks her eyes toward her, watching her carefully, while occupying the doorway unflinchingly. ]

Going somewhere?