![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
[ being in insomnia again is.. strange. the city is the same as she had remembered, and yet so different, so strange after so many long years in tenebrae. this city seems so enormous and sprawling, sharp and stark in comparison, bright and chrome and full of people. though she remembers her time here, her earliest years, she was still quite young when her parents swept she and her brother back to the motherland, and those tender years of growth had been spent in a city very different, a home that she had grown used to, settled into.
and now they are here again, political tensions spurring her father to emigrate here, to lucis again. the empire has been still and quiet, and there have even been talks of treatise, but alisaie trusts her father's judgment, for all his political involvement. more than national pride, he hopes for his family to be safe and secure, and short of living in the bush, insomnia had seemed to him the ideal location. with the wall so strong, such a city must be impenetrable, yes?
alisaie does not know the details of it all, her father would disclose only so much - she and her brother were to focus solely on their studies, bettering themselves, and not to worry about such things outside of their control. lucis might not be a large nation, but insomnia is safe, and secure. it suits their needs just fine.
still, settling in, for alisaie, is not necessarily easy. unlike the rest of her family, smooth-talkers with political savvy, she has a hard enough time simply getting along with her own peers. her friends in tenebrae had been few and distant, their relationships thin and civil but little more. to have to start over again is.. a nightmare. but she is not here to make friends, she is here to finish her schooling, to graduate and prepare for university and beyond. there's nothing to be afraid of.
yet her knuckles are white around the books clutched to her chest as she climbs the stairs that first day, eyes forward, chin high, and it takes less than a week's time for her to earn a reputation as a haughty, conceited little snob, the little rich girl sort who is far too good to waste her time with those she deems beneath her - everyone, apparently. this is not entirely the case of course, but it suits alisaie's needs just fine. let them think what they want, so long as it affords her a wide berth and quiet time to herself, without the terrifying distraction of working her way into, and maintaining her place within, a social circle.
the weekend seems to take an eon to arrive, but friday is here at last. alisaie sits outside at a table on campus, alone, peeling the crusts distractedly from her sandwich, her advanced chemistry textbook open in front of her. three afternoon classes, and this horrible week will be over.. ]
and now they are here again, political tensions spurring her father to emigrate here, to lucis again. the empire has been still and quiet, and there have even been talks of treatise, but alisaie trusts her father's judgment, for all his political involvement. more than national pride, he hopes for his family to be safe and secure, and short of living in the bush, insomnia had seemed to him the ideal location. with the wall so strong, such a city must be impenetrable, yes?
alisaie does not know the details of it all, her father would disclose only so much - she and her brother were to focus solely on their studies, bettering themselves, and not to worry about such things outside of their control. lucis might not be a large nation, but insomnia is safe, and secure. it suits their needs just fine.
still, settling in, for alisaie, is not necessarily easy. unlike the rest of her family, smooth-talkers with political savvy, she has a hard enough time simply getting along with her own peers. her friends in tenebrae had been few and distant, their relationships thin and civil but little more. to have to start over again is.. a nightmare. but she is not here to make friends, she is here to finish her schooling, to graduate and prepare for university and beyond. there's nothing to be afraid of.
yet her knuckles are white around the books clutched to her chest as she climbs the stairs that first day, eyes forward, chin high, and it takes less than a week's time for her to earn a reputation as a haughty, conceited little snob, the little rich girl sort who is far too good to waste her time with those she deems beneath her - everyone, apparently. this is not entirely the case of course, but it suits alisaie's needs just fine. let them think what they want, so long as it affords her a wide berth and quiet time to herself, without the terrifying distraction of working her way into, and maintaining her place within, a social circle.
the weekend seems to take an eon to arrive, but friday is here at last. alisaie sits outside at a table on campus, alone, peeling the crusts distractedly from her sandwich, her advanced chemistry textbook open in front of her. three afternoon classes, and this horrible week will be over.. ]
no subject
and then he's curling up close to her, pressing kisses to her collar, sweet and tender, and her stomach turns. it isn't entirely his fault. alisaie has long since forgotten how to be soft, how to be warm and tender, how to allow herself to feel anything that has not helped her to survive. even were he a perfect stranger, like as not the feeling of being cuddled up to would urge her to flee.
of course, that it is him only compounds things further.
a hard exhale, and alisaie turns from him, dislodging their bodies and rolling onto her back, staring hard at the dim roof of the tent as she catches her breath, her voice curt, its edge hard. ]
Please. There's no need.
no subject
His heart settles and sinks in his chest, a wrongness tightening its hold around him. Is that,.. really the end of it? A few moments of pure, uncomplicated pleasure, and nothing else?
He doesn't reach for her again, but he does turn to look at her, to make out her features in the darkness. ]
Yes, there is. For me, there is.
[ He will ever had a need to tell her how important she is to him, how much he cares for her, for that time he could have told her and did not. ]
no subject
no, it was definitely a mistake. it was impulsive and foolish and for all it might have felt good in the moment to release that pressure, she's paying for it now. ]
How nice for you. I need not hear it.
no subject
[ But his desire to even have this conversation deflates as she flat-out refuses to have it. How will he ever prove himself to her if she won't even talk to him? Maybe that's just it. She won't even open her heart up to him that much. Won't even entertain the idea that there is something worth salvaging between them, and maybe there isn't.
Maybe theirs is a love long dead, ground out by his own fear and stupidity. But if that's true...
If that's true, why did she bring him in here? Him, instead of some other stranger she met on the road? Surely, if all she wanted was a sweet release, she could find someone willing to please her. Someone...who doesn't have a complicated history with her.
He exhales, low and quiet, the pitter-patter of the rain drowning out the sound of it. ]
J-just...never mind.
[ He turns away from her, though only so he can wipe away the tears at his eyes without making it so obvious. ]
no subject
though alisaie does not cry. she cannot remember the last time she allowed herself to, certainly not in years. her pain is compressed, pushed down into an angry little ball in her heart that she holds within her. it grows heavier by the day, but she grows stronger still in order to carry it.
still, this was a setback. it felt satisfying to make him feel as she had felt, used and discarded, but only in the moment. it could not cure her bitter heart, or rid her of the weight inside of her - but tomorrow they will reach hammerhead, and she will need not think on it again. for now, she will find what sleep she can, distracted though she is by the scent of his skin and the taste of his mouth clinging still all over her body. ]