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[ she's cold.
like the last time alisaie woke in one of these pods, at first, that cold is all she can feel. it sinks deep into her flesh, clings to her bones, and though she does not feel faint or hypothermic when she stumbles out of it, she nevertheless feels deeply chilled. her mind and memory feel fogged, and as she stands amidst the rows of pods she is confused, disoriented, until -
like a heavy weight, the realization crashes down.
alisaie does not think, she only moves, sweeping past the endless rows of pods as quickly as her trembling, aching legs will carry her, her heart beating wildly in her throat. she must get home. she must find them.
how long as it been? memory flashes in the back of her mind, images of home, of where she has been and what she has been doing and gods, the entire time she had forgotten this place, she had forgotten her home here, and peo, and prompto. a cold hand squeezes her heart tightly, painfully, as years of longing begin to set in at once, for though she had not remembered him then, she remembers him now, and all the time that has passed since last she set eyes on his beloved face. she's desperate now, to throw herself into his arms, but moreover she is.. afraid. how long has she been asleep? what if he is sleeping as well, no longer here? what if he has moved on? panic clutches her insides relentlessly.
but she does not need to get home. when alisaie turns the corner to the exit, he's there - she would recognize that hair anywhere, even if it looks a little less ostentatious than usual (and a little darker?), and her heart, that had been pounding hard, now stills. ]
Prompto -
[ his name feels so sweet on her tongue, riding on a rasping breath, but it's only the briefest of moments before she's moving again, surging into his arms, her hands clasping his jaw to pull him into a hard, needy, desperate kiss. ]
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[ disbelief flashes over her expression, but it does little enough to quell her anger, which only seems to grow stronger once it passes. she rounds the table to meet him, fire in her eyes, her fists still tightly clenched. ]
That is always your problem, isn't it? You assume to know what I am feeling, you don't ask -
[ ever since they met he has been this way, quick to assume that she is always thinking the worst, that she is always blaming him, thinking little of him - is that what he thinks when he sees her? that she is cruel and hateful, that she thinks this way of him, always? ]
I do not want an apology, if you would talk with me you would know that, but you would rather hide, and put it off, and tuck away everything that is difficult and painful because it is easier than facing the truth!
[ it's a truthful enough problem, one they have always struggled with, but she is getting away from the point, and she knows it. a frustrated sound catches in her throat, and she shakes her head. ]
I do not want you to be sorry, I want you to give me an answer!
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[ Sure, he's been going through the motions in this awkward coexistence they had made, but so has she. She hasn't tried to start a conversation to figure out what they should do, but it should fall to him, of course it should fall to him, because he's the one who caused this, he's the one who did this, who broke her heart and stomped on it and kicked it to the curb.
Why did she ever love him to begin with? When he's like this? All he ever does is hurt her. Before, and now. Time and again she has had to put up with so much heartache because of him. Wouldn't she be happier if he just left?
...He tried that, once. He remembers the look in her eyes that night, when he had given her ring back to her, and he had left her at the gala. That was so long ago now, yet he feels just as young and inexperienced now as he did then. ]
You don't think I want to give you an answer? I've been tryin' to figure out what to tell you since the second I woke back up here, but guess what! I still don't know. You deserved an answer on day one but I—I'm still...
[ Conflicted. Broken. Guilty. Nothing has gotten better. It has only grown worse. ]
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[ she shouts, her voice pitching higher, her face flushing hotly. painful though anger might be, by the gods it does feel good to vent it.. ]
But it seems all the time in the world would not be enough! You would keep me waiting forever rather than make a decision!
[ she isn't being fair, and she knows it, but seven hells she is furious, and hurting; alisaie has ever been quick to fly off when provoked, and anger is her first reaction to pain. the deeper the pain, the hotter her fury burns. it does not make it right, but in this moment she cannot help herself, it's spilling out of her like pus from a festering boil, she can hold it in no longer.
glowering, she tips even nearer still, her eyes sparking like flint. ]
So is that it, then? You still have nothing at all to give me? Nothing to say? After all we have been through, together?
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[ Of course he does. He has so much, so much is threatens to suffocate him, and yet none of it feels fair. But then again, is any of what they're saying now fair? It isn't. It's painful, it cuts, it rends. He so rarely get heated like this, but when he does, it floods him with fire. She draws nearer still, and he doesn't back down, the line in his brow hard and sharp, his eyes burning and fierce as they lock dead-on with her own. ]
I know you're hurt, but — but so am I! You know what happened right before I woke up here? I watched my best friend walk off to die so the light could return to Eos. You know how badly I wanted to talk to you about it? But I can't talk to you about anything, because I'm afraid of telling you something you don't want to hear. Don't act like I'm the only one who hides things that are painful and difficult!
[ But once again, they are getting away from the point, so he redirects himself, his voice lowering to smoldering embers that will burst to life in an instant if provoked. ]
You want an answer? Fine. I still love you, I still love you more than anything, but even if I don't love her that doesn't change the fact that if she wakes up someday, I'm still gonna have to break her heart.
[ So, there it is, the conflict that has been weighing on his heart, bearing down upon his soul. She can judge him for it, she can hate him for it, and she should. But it's still there, and he doesn't know how to fix it. ]
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and she asked for it, she wanted him to speak up, but it still hits her like icewater dumped over her head, for a hundred reasons. not only are the things he's telling her a terrible revelation, but it.. stings, it stings badly that he thinks that she would not want to hear it. she is angry, and hurt, but how could he ever think that she would be so cruel and callous as to be ambivalent to his pain?
there's so much she wants to say, she has answers to all of it, but she can hardly decide where to begin - ]
Prompto, I -
[ she starts, her voice lower, cracking, her expression more stricken than angry. ]
Why would you.. why would you think I would not want to hear about that? About any of that?
[ noctis - gods - she had not known him as closely as prompto had, of course, not by a long, long ways, but he was still her friend, and moreover, she knows how very important he is to prompto. he knows that she knows. how could he think that even through all of this she would not be sympathetic and understanding? all of this is so different from what she had expected to hear, from what she had thought he meant when he told her everything. she's confused, and reeling. ]
If you love me you would know that - that I would never.. I would never think that - how many times have I said that it is not for you to decide what I want to hear? When have I ever turned you away when you needed me? How much have you forgotten, that you would think so - so lowly of me..
[ she shakes her head, her brows drawn and her heart in her throat. ]
I.. I-I'm sorry. You should have told me..
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verse ii
[ Of course he does. He has so much, so much is threatens to suffocate him, and yet none of it feels fair. But then again, is any of what they're saying now fair? It isn't. It's painful, it cuts, it rends. He so rarely get heated like this, but when he does, it floods him with fire. She draws nearer still, and he doesn't back down, the line in his brow hard and sharp, his eyes burning and fierce as they lock dead-on with her own. ]
You want an answer? Fine. I still love you, I still love you more than anything, but even if I don't love her that doesn't change the fact that if she wakes up someday, I'm still gonna have to break her heart.
[ So, there it is, the conflict that has been weighing on his heart, bearing down upon his soul. She can judge him for it, she can hate him for it, and she should. But it's still there, and he doesn't know how to fix it. ]
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but she can certainly be angry with him, and annoyed, and exasperated. she should be relieved to hear that he still loves her, and she is, but the anger is a tide that cannot be easily stopped, most especially when he meets her fully, challenging her with his eyes and body language. ]
That is all?
[ she scoffs, clearly shocked by his admission, but it cannot knock her ire away. ]
You have kept me waiting so long, for that? Why would I not be able to understand that? You let me think - all this time you let me think you did not love me any more -
[ and the injustice of that swells inside of her, urging her forward; gods, she could clock him right in the jaw, but she settles for prodding his chest hard with her fingers. ]
You allowed me to torment myself because you were too afraid to admit that?
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[ Does she have any idea how difficult that was to even say? And yet she's making light of it, like it's nothing. Like the anguish he has been going through these past few weeks is trivial, like if he had just told her this sooner, everything would be okay.
But it wouldn't, and it isn't. He needed time to make sure he still loved her, but even now that he has come to terms with it, that doesn't change the situation. Anyway, shouldn't she have known that all along anyway? How could she think he would stop loving her, even if he had feelings for someone else too?
She jabs at his chest and he doesn't relent, instead stepping nearer, their faces only inches apart, as he looks deep and hard into her eyes. ]
How could you think I didn't love you? Even if it's been ten years, even if I forgot, even if I liked someone else — how could I ever love anyone but you?
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Do you think I wanted to believe it? It certainly would not have been the first time you decided you knew what was best for me, and tried to throw away all we had built!
[ it's a low blow, she knows, but nevertheless a true one. she has not forgotten the gala, how such a wonderful night had gone so terribly wrong, how he had returned his ring and left her alone, assuming that she did not want him, when he could not have been more wrong. bringing it up now, flinging it in his face - it is no more right or fair than anything they have been saying, but they are angry, and tense, and old grievances rise to the surface so easily. ]
You can hardly stand to be around me, you hole yourself up to change your godsdamned shirt, you will not touch me, you will not even look at me - how can I feel wanted? How can I feel loved when you are positively repelled by me at every turn?
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Repelled by you? I wasn't doing that because I was repelled, I did it because I felt guilty! I did it because it had been ten damn years since we were last together, and it didn't come back to me as quickly as it did for you! Do you have any idea how long that is? Half your lifetime!
[ It hadn't even been a full day since he had kissed Cindy when he found himself back here with Alisaie. Did she expect him to fall back into it just like that? Every routine they had shared? He couldn't, not without betraying the feelings in his heart that he still had for another girl.
But now that feels almost...trivial. They're so close now that he can see himself reflected in her eyes, a warm feeling flooding his gut, even as the fire burns on, urging him to shout, to fight, to — ]
How could you — how could you throw that back in my face like that? You — you're so —
[ He makes a strangled, frustrated sound, fists balled at his side. He's so, so angry, so frustrated, infuriated, with himself, with her, with this whole goddamn situation — so you know what? To hell with it. Why is he fighting so hard against what he wants?
So he surges forward, closing the space between them, his hands grasping either side of her face to pull it up to his own, his mouth pressing to hers in a hot, hard, fiery kiss. ]
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but she does not have the change to throw those darts, because he is surging in toward her, across what scant little space remains between them, and a part of her had foreseen it. she had felt it, viscerally, deep in her gut where her consciousness does not reach, and so her face tips up to meet his own without voluntary thought. at first she is shocked, the breath stolen from her lungs, and she squeals in fury against his mouth, shoving hard at his chest. ]
How dare you -
[ she hisses against his lips, but the fight leaves her quickly, all but instantly, and with a low, desperate whine she presses back into the kiss, into him, tilting her head and seizing his shirt with both hands, her lips parted and her breath quick, her heart pounding fast in her throat.
this is not how she would have wanted it. none of this is how she wants anything to be, but gods, it does not matter, his mouth feels hot and sweet and good and she has missed it with every fiber of her being. these weeks have been so very long, harrowing and torturous, and however they might be mercilessly tearing into one another it feels so irresistibly good to do so, to sink her claws into him where she knows it hurts, to allow herself to bleed, battered by his words. they've needed so desperately to get it out.
it's a good kiss, hells below it is so good, but it is not sweet, or friendly, or loving - alisaie whines into his mouth, pressing against him with all of her strength, her teeth raking his lower lip hard, her hands pressing over his chest, drinking in the heat of his body, the hard planes of muscle beneath the thin cotton of his shirt. it is hardly a barrier at all, but it still feels like too much space between them. ]
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But right now, he isn't worrying about whether this is right, or wrong. All he's thinking about is how good this feels, and how much he wants her. The heat had built in his gut while he was diverted by their argument, but now it's all-consuming. She is all around him, filling every space, and he groans as she hooks into him, her hands fielding his body, her kiss rough and unforgiving. It's what he wants. These sharp, forceful, course movements and emotions.
With one hand, he pushes the remaining dishes on the table aside and onto the floor, before lifting her swiftly onto it and pressing up against her, their kiss burning with sweet fury as his tongue presses against her own, like he is issuing a challenge. She better not be gentle with him, because gentleness is he last thing he wants right now. ]
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he needs not fear gentleness, for there is nothing gentle about this - not in the way she moves or kisses him, not in her hard, harsh breaths, not in her roving touches.
she doesn't care. no, it might not be what they both would have wanted, but it is certainly better than nothing, and a far cry from the cold distance they have kept these long weeks. every night spent in that bed beside him, so near to him - near enough to smell his skin yet unable to touch him - had been torture, every shower spent alone, every morning waking to an empty bed, or leaving early before he had even risen without waking him, without saying a word.. compared with all of that, that horrible loneliness and grief and self-loathing, this feels like heaven. like all she has ever wanted, and waited for.
impatient and greedy, alisaie presses both hands beneath his shirt, the fabric rucking around her wrists as she gropes hungrily, chasing the heat under his skin. he's thicker than she remembers, stronger and broader but still familiar, still a map that she knows so intimately. her tongue lashes against his own, their kiss like a battle, all teeth and harsh breaths and fighting for territory and dominance. their argument has not ended, it has only transitioned into something different, something more, something easier. alisaie can fight far more skillfully and aggressively with her body than she can with her words, physicality has always come to her far more easily than conversation; all of her pain and fury are out, poured into the ferocity of her kiss, into the hard drag of her nails against his skin, into the desperate grind of her hips to his and the breathless, ravening sounds that escape between their mouths. ]
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It's fury, and anger, and unspoken words. It's frustration and poison and infection. All things they must get out, and so he doesn't stop her. How could he, anyway? When it feels so nice, when her hips rock against his, eliciting desperate, hungry sounds from him, reminding him of how goddamn good it feels to be joined with her, inside her. He wants her, and even if he's already panting against her mouth, he doesn't slow, her dress rucking up over his wrists as he thrusts both hands beneath her dress, seeing out the heat of her body, while his teeth rake over her lip, pulling it taut.
Yes, it feels good. It feels nice. It's numbing and sweet, to lose himself in the heat of this, to ignore everything else in favor of the static in his brain. He has already gone hard against her, eager and ready, and it would be so easy to get what he wants. What they both want.
...But this isn't them. They are fire and passion, but they are also love, and this...
This isn't love. It's just an outlet.
With a shuddering breath, he breaks off from her, and though he doesn't move away from her, he isn't kissing her any longer. He hands aren't roving. He is just...frozen, breathing harshly against her lips, his expression tight and pained. ]
...W-we can't. N-not...not like this.
[ They will regret it, and he can't let their first time in ten years be like this. ]
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they're so close. she can feel the heat of his body, how hard and ready he is for her, and she is no different, wet and eager and hungry in a way she's never entirely experienced. in some ways she has never wanted him so badly, never needed him with such an incredible ferocity, and it shows. it shows in the arch of her body and the hook of her nails into his hips, it shows in the sounds she makes, beyond needy, like she is starved and only he can sate and replenish her. she's so desperate that she does not notice when he stops, not right away, at least, and it isn't until he speaks that she begins to slow, pulling back only enough to look into his face, like she cannot bear to sacrifice even an inch of space between them. why has he stopped? why has he gone so still? why is he saying such things? ]
What?
[ he's putting on the brakes, and a new sort of fear opens up on her. gods, she needs this, they both need this, can he not see it? an injured sound passes her lips, a soft, anguished whine laced with need and she presses forward again, dragging hot kisses along his jaw, her hands dropping to find his beneath her skirts, urging them forward with something almost like panic. ]
We can, we can -
[ she whispers, her heart pounding, icy fear flooding her veins. they can't stop. she cannot face what they have become, what they were before this needful, desperate moment, she cannot bear his rejection again. ]
Please -
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But this isn't them. Their intimacy has always been so necessary and important in demonstrating their love and their trust, but this isn't love and trust at all. After so long, this...this can't be how they come back together. Because of their mutual frustration and need to vent rather than out of understanding. He feels further from untangling his heart than he did before, and as good as it feels to be needed by her like this, it isn't...he can't...
Tears fill his eyes as he bites his lower lip, swollen from their volcanic kisses, and he draws his hands away, letting them fall uselessly to his sides. ]
I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
[ He glances down and away, that same sense of shame eating away at him. He was the one who initiated this, and now he's taking it back? He knows what this will do to her. He knows how this will hurt her. ]
Please, Alisaie, I just...I need...more time...
[ But he's already asked for too much. ]
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maybe she should have more faith in him. in their love. but everything he had promised, everything they had promised, has fallen down around them, and alisaie has never possessed the same unshakable hope that he has. she is a realist. a cynic. sometimes terrible things happen. sometimes good things come to an end before we want them to. mayhaps that is what this is, and she has to accept it, however her heart rails against it, however desperately she loves him.
he says he loves her, but it does not feel real. he says it because he thinks he should, because his memory demands it of him, but his warmth toward her is gone, he does not smile for her, he does not touch her, even in passing, he cannot even watch her change, or trust her to see him unclothed. their intimacy is gone, and while she aches for it desperately, he has only ever seemed.. distant. ashamed. like he is afraid to let it end, afraid to say what must be said. that he no longer wants her. that he no longer loves her.
and now, he cannot even touch her. he pulls away so completely, dropping his hands from her body, and she feels.. cold. alone. that terrible tightness in her gut returns, grasping with icy claws, and alisaie feels hot tears fill her eyes suddenly and fully, blinding her, choking her.
there can be no salvaging this, can there?
more time. more time. there will never be enough time. it's over, isn't it? all that they promised one another, everything she was to him, it is.. gone.
alisaie inhales sharply in an attempt to keep her sob at bay - he has seen her cry far too much. she slides off of the table and onto her feet, hastily righting her dress, her face hot with shame and humiliation. to be rejected, and by him -
wordlessly, she moves away, her arms clutched to her abdomen, and hurries toward the stairs and up to their bedroom, snapping the door shut behind her. ]
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[ But she doesn't wait. As soon as his hands are off of her, she leaves, up the stairs and away, and Prompto watches her go with growing horror. What has he done? Is this..the end? Has she had enough, and now his last chance to salvage their love is gone? Just like that?
He thought...if he had just a little more time...
A strangled cry cuts from his throat as he slams a fist down on the table. No, it can't end like this, not after everything they were — are. He has to believe they can still be the people they were on their wedding day, that they can still carry out the vows that they made. Even if...even if he's already broken them, and broken everything else. He just — he just wanted to do things right —
Tearing up the stairs after her, he skids to a stop in front of the door, and hesitates a moment — but only one, and then he's pressing forward, throwing the door open and stepping into the room.
It can't end like this. It can't. ]
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but it doesn't matter. she does not want him to see her cry, but it's too late for all that; besides, she is moving, her canvas bag tossed onto the bed stuffed with toiletries while she rummages in her dresser drawers. her heart pounds and her eyes burn, hot tears on her cheeks that she scrubs away as best she can, breathing through her barely controlled sobs. this is hard. so hard. so much harder than she would ever have thought it might be. it feels like loss, like grief, and while prompto is alive and well, he may as well be someone else entirely, the wonderful, perfect, amazing thing that existed between them is dead, and she mourns it deeply.
briefly, her eyes flicker toward him when he enters, but she looks away just as quickly, crossing to the bed to jam a handful of clothing haphazardly into the canvas sack. ]
You want time. You shall have it.
[ she says sharply, though not venomously. the fight has gone out of her, the heat and poison washed away by resolute anguish. there's no need to hook her claws into him, it will not change anything, and he does not deserve it - but she cannot remain here any longer. ]
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But of course she is. Why would she stay here? Where he's made it clear she isn't welcome or wanted? It's only then that he begins to understand all his treatment these past few weeks has telegraphed to her, though he didn't mean any of it to come across as the way that it inevitably has. Still, she has to know...she has to know he still loves her, right?
Right?
All of this...it couldn't have convinced her otherwise. Could it have?
The answer seems plain by her actions alone before she even speaks. Her movements are weary, not filled with the fire that had come a few minutes before. She's tired. He's tired, too. But instead drawing them together and giving them a chance to talk without barbs, it only pushes them further apart. How did this happen? Any of this? How could he push her, the woman he loves, his wife, to this point?
But she packs, and he feels powerless to stop it, because her mind is already made up. Still, he has to protest. What if she walks through that door and never comes back? It can't end like this, it can't — ]
Please, Alisaie, don't do this. Don't — don't go. I-I...I need you here...
[ But he isn't so much talking about the house. His breath shakes out of him as he lifts a hand to his chest, where it curls over his heart. ]
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That.. that is not fair.
[ he cannot say that now, now, he cannot tell her he needs her after he's spent so much time pushing her away, keeping her at a distance. she has tried so hard to be patient, to wait for him, to give him space and time but it has not made a difference, they are no more healed today than they were when they first awakened from stasis. maybe a few weeks is not enough time for him, maybe he needs months, or years, but she cannot endure the ghost of what they were while he takes his time to figure it out. every moment spent in this home, sleeping beside him, smelling his skin on the sheets, looking into his face every day -
he does not mean to be cruel in asking her to stay, she knows he must be feeling desperate, because he's kindhearted, he's concerned, he wants to fix what is broken between them because he feels that he should, he does not want her to be hurting. but he also cannot give her what she wants. what she needs.
she cannot stay. though it tears her heart in two to go, her mind is made up; lingering here with him will not make his path more clear. if anything, she is only distracting him from what he needs to do. she shakes her head and sets to work again, stuffing a few more items of clothing into her bag until it's full. her voice trembles, breathless, cracking between words. ]
Time is what you need. Not - not me.
[ it aches. it stings like a hot poker in her soul. ]
I have to go. I cannot.. I cannot stay here, like this -
[ it's so difficult to look into his face, especially when her own are red-rimmed and watery, when just looking into his eyes is enough to break her heart, to make her knees weak and threaten her resolve to leave, but she must give him at least this much. ]
Take.. however much time you need to - to think, to understand what you want, whatever you need to do - you know where you can find me.
[ in the place they shared once long ago, the little apartment she found in wyver. there will be memories there, too, but older and faded, bearable. mayhaps the time alone to reflect will be good for her, too. lifting her bag over her shoulder, she moves quickly past him. ]
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And yet even if he realizes that, he still doesn't have any answers, and Alisaie deserves them before he weeps at her feet and clings to her skirts. She deserves...so much that he has not been. Even if he can figure himself out, will she want him back?
You know where to find me.
And there she goes, shattering his heart along with her, and for a moment, he can only stand there and stare at her retreating figure, frozen in place, horrified of everything he stands to lose. Because he will lose just that if he loses her — everything. She is his whole heart and soul. What is he without her? ]
W-wait —
[ But he doesn't follow her this time to stop her. Instead, he scoop Peo up from off the floor where he skitters nervously, hurries after her, and —
Pushes the pup into her arms. ]
H-he...h-he'll wanna keep you company.
[ If any of them should be completely alone right now, it's him. ]
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so when his voice rings out again she falls still and closes her eyes, her heart sinking in her breast. she can't resist him when he's hurting, even when she's upset - with her anger burned away she feels only guilt, gone is the desire to sink her teeth in and fling barbs into his soul, and she's ashamed for having felt that way at all. he'll ask her to stay again, and she will relent.
but instead he's pressing peo into her arms, and alisaie doesn't respond at first. she's surprised, glancing from the dog, up to prompto's face again, searching for an answer. ]
Prompto.. no, that isn't..
[ it isn't right.
neither of them want to be alone, but alisaie, of the two of them, is far more accustomed to it. she isolates herself when she is hurting or afraid. but prompto - he thrives on the company of others. it will be difficult for him to be without any people, she can't bring herself to take with her the friendly face he needs to get by. imagining him here alone, heartbroken - she cannot stay, but leaving with peo.. it does not feel right. she shakes her head. ]
You - you will need him more than I will..
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No, he...he should be the one who is alone. Completely alone. He made his bed, and he needs to lay in it, by himself.
He leaves Peo in her arms, eyes still upon her own, before he steps back and away. ]
Please. Take him with you. S-someone's gotta watch out for my best girl for me, y'know?
[ His mouth tugs up at one corner, his best attempt at a smile, though it is fleeting, and gone all too soon. ]
...It's okay. [ A beat. ] It's okay.
[ He'll be okay. ]
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